“All Past and Future Works”
LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF
HENRY JONATHON BURRIDGE
I, Henry J. Burridge , of 2327 Lakeway Blvd., Madison, WI , being of sound and disposing mind, do hereby make, publish and declare this document my last living will and testament, revoking any previous wills or codicils.
I declare that I have no spouses at this current time. I have three living children whose names, addresses and birth dates are:
Robert Henry Burridge 412 Harrison Blvd., Waukesha, WI 7/27/1981
Gregory Jonathon Burridge 2107 Grand Blvd., St. Louis, MO 9/2/1983
Christopher Anthony Burridge 85 N. Frost Street, Madison, WI 3/26/1987
I have no deceased children at this time. Should Robert or Gregory die before this will is executed, any properties or duties herein shall transfer to Christopher.
I appoint Christopher as the representative of this will. If unable or unwilling to act, or to continue to act, as executor of my will, I then appoint Haskins & James, Attorneys to act as the representatives of this will. Under no conditions should Robert or Gregory assume the power of executor.
My suspicion is that this is in fact the first bit of my writing that Robert and Gregory have ever read. I hope you’re enjoying it so far, boys.
II.
I direct that my executor pay all my funeral expenses, all taxes, administration costs and all of my debts subject to the statute of limitations, as practical.
Executor should take special care to pay all debts owed to Dark Collar Vanity Press as soon as possible. Frank Stansky at DCVP has always let me float a bit of a balance while waiting for my next novel to take off. Although I don’t know if such a debt still exists at the time of my death, please see that Stansky is paid first and foremost, as a token of gratitude for the unwavering support of my writing career that Robert, Gregory and certainly Linda never deigned to consider.
III.
The executor shall see that funeral arrangements are quickly and tastefully made. I have full faith in Christopher to do so. It is my request that my own funeral be modeled closely after the funeral given to one of my timeless characters, “Shotgun” Jake Steele, in my thirteenth novel, Missing at Midnight: A Harry Hammer Mystery. If possible, I would like everyone in attendance to model their dress after the period-appropriate attire described on p. 107 of that novel. Music selections, readings and refreshments should also be inspired by, if not directly lifted from, my eloquent descriptions of Shotgun Steele’s wake and burial.
Robert and Gregory might also find my death an occasion to actually read that novel, so that they can prepare for the funeral. I should warn them that in order to understand Missing at Midnight they’ll need to read the proceeding books: Death at Dawn: A Harry Hammer Mystery, Night of the Nemesis: A Harry Hammer Mystery, Lover’s Lament: A Harry Hammer Mystery, and Three Days at the Riviera Grand: A Harry Hammer Romance. All are available from Dark Collar Vanity Press.
IV.
I charge my executor with the timely and thorough management of my personal effects and any intellectual property left on the premises of my home (address above). It is not unusual for me to have four or more incomplete novels saved to my hard drive. For safekeeping, I will place a list of all relevant passwords in my office’s safe. The combination to this safe is 3-26-7. The executor shall retrieve these passwords in order to scour my hard drive for any unfinished work. These unfinished works should be submitted to Frank Stansky at Dark Collar Vanity Press for consideration for publication. He shall have first rights to their publication, though he is free to choose to auction these rights to the highest bidder, should there be a larger market for Harry Hammer when the time comes.
It is also my sincere wish that these unfinished works be edited and prepared for publication by my own son, Christopher, who remains both a devoted fan and inspiration for these novels. Neither Robert nor Gregory can be bothered with suck a task, I’d assume.
As for all other documents found on my hard drive, it is my sincere wish that the executor will discretely delete any files, especially those that might cast my career in an unfavorable light.
To my son Christopher I leave my entire archive of unsold mystery novels. At the time of this writing, approximately 7,000 such books are in storage in the basement beneath the office where I’m writing. Christopher is free to sell off this stock as he sees fit. Perhaps he will have better luck than I. Titles include all aforementioned books, in addition to Suburban Suspects: A Harry Hammer Mystery, Friendly Fire: A Harry Hammer Mystery, The Killer Calls Constantly: A Harry Hammer Mystery, and any other work(s) composed and published after this will and testament.
In lieu of selling this archive, he should also feel free to establish a small museum or scholarly destination, freely open to the public, to preserve and feature these works.
VI.
To my son Christopher I bequeath, in addition to the physical copies of the books described above, the copyrights and any other applicable rights pertinent to their distribution, reproduction or other artistic use. Obviously this includes the rights to a lucrative movie contract, which I always predicted was just around the corner for Harry Hammer, and in fact could still be coming before this will and testament might take effect. Despite anything Linda or Robert or Gregory say, Harry Hammer is truly a people’s hero and a man’s man destined to capture Americans’ hearts on both the page and the silver screen. The fact that no Hollywood exec has picked up on this is a mystery to me, and I know Christopher has heartily agreed. My executor might also commission further printings or editions of the aforementioned novels, though I would request that Frank Stansky is at least consulted before Harry Hammer becomes a passing fad at some major publishing house.
VII.
To my ex-wife Linda, I leave a simple request. Look at p. 177 of Suburban Suspects. Don’t you see that when I wrote about Lola Barden, the “Helen of the Western Suburbs,” that I was writing about you? Look at the way that I have described her “comely face, her full hips and womanly curves” and see how I always loved you. If only you’d bothered to read what I wrote instead of wringing your hands always over the bills and the dishes and the boys. I don’t pity you for the remorse you will surely feel after you read this novel and understand it was my love letter to you.
To Robert, my eldest son. If you feel as if your father never cared for you, I dare you to consult chapter 47 in Night of the Nemesis. Notice the way that Harry, despite the personal danger looming over him, takes a break for a fishing trip with his son. Look at this sentence: “With a large-mouth bass wriggling on the end of his son’s line, Harry felt he could never be happier” (223). Tell me I never cared.
To Gregory, I don’t pretend I could convince you to read anything other than this will and testament or possibly a sports page. But ask Christopher about the zoo scene in Friendly Fire.
VIII.
I bequeath any other assets, including financial accounts, real estate and all personal property, to my son Christopher. All others will need to find a happy ending elsewhere.
Bio:
Alex Luft’s fiction has appeared in Sequestrum, Midwestern Gothic, The Adirondack Review and elsewhere. He is currently pursuing a Ph.D. at the University of Illinois-Chicago.